So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
