i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize