He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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