Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
