Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
