I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I see more hoeing in ur future
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