if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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