Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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