Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I can't turn off my feet"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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