Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
