just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My liver just had a heart attack.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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