This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
