I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize