Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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