If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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