I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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