my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Randomize
