my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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