I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
