I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
