I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
