If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
