I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
