is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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