Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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