i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize