weddingsv make me drug and hornr
This house was built for laser tag.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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