I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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