I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
