we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Randomize
