just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
