12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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