I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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