Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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