I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
