I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
