by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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