We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
