I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
