If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
