I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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