I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Jerry, you need to find god
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She told me I should be a condom model.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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