I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize