I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
