the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
