my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
