Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I need to calm my uterus...
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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