Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
