it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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