she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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