dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
