It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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