Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize