What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
