I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
