Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
