The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize