at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
