I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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