if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
