He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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