I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize