a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
