I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
