I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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