I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
