Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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