I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
