When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
