hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
